This is an odd crash. When the launcher loads, it crashes. If I delete the launcher.jar and launcher.pack.lzma files, it opens fine, but then crashes again the next time. If it happened once, I'd assume corruption, but it's happening every time. I have uploaded these files to compare against correct versions.

EDIT: A video of the event is here: http://youtu.be/sIDhLISWGkw
As you can see, it happens every single time